An Unexpected Arrival

I being trying to decide when this post would finally be written... I guess tonight's the night.

I've fallen out of love with the personal blog scene. Perhaps showcasing thoughts and feelings on the web have become boring to me. Naw, that's not it, it has far more to do with an incident last spring in which I was ostracized by several "friends" for not living up to their christian bigotry. Several of these "friends" followed my posts and were intricately part of my life, but to protect myself I went into hiding. I've learn a lot in the past year about taking care of myself. I've realized that loving myself comes first, and sometimes that means walking away from a situation that pains me. As a 'compassionate christian' of the past, I learned to ignore my own pangs in order to aid those I charished around me. I soon realized, in the darkest chapter of my life, that the sacrifices I made for friends around me were never reciprocated. It took a few years, but I soon realized I needed to think first of me. I've learned to protect myself.

Well, back in August I started feeling off. I seemed to have known something within me was changing just a few days after my period. Several pees on 5 sticks confirmed I was pregnant. Time stopped.

What next? Carry to term? Have an abortion? Rest in limbo for awhile? Would my parents be supportive, would Dave's? I don't give a shit what people think of me. I decided to carry to term. I have many friends who are mothers and totally awesome. It sounds like it's gonna be hard as hell, but what the fuck, why not. I've never imagined myself have a normal family and I never aspired to be more then a poor woman who leans on friends every step of the way. Why not start earlier? Carry to term it is. Though I must admit, I've been keeping keen track of how much window space I have left to change my mind have an abortion. That window seems closed since I'm now 15 weeks along, but it was comforting at times to make believe that I could switch my life back to normal.

All my girlfriends have been awesome. They've been so supportive, and I'm lucky to have been friends with so many women who've had daughters and sons so young. Without them I'd be lost. I joined girl-mom too. The women there are amazingly supportive of mothers and are mothers themselves. I recommend the site to any young mothers.

Since I've always wanted a natural birth I went in search for a midwife in the area. Let me tell ya, eastern North Dakota has only a couple midwives in the area. I found only one who would charge on a sliding scale, yet she's super religious and gave me books on homebirth that were offensive, extremely christian, and heterosexist. By insensitively giving me these books before even asking if I was a christian she crossed the line, big time. I will not be having her as a midwife regardless of my desire to have homebirth. I've learn all to hard that one can't trust women like her who do their best to convert people through any means possible, even at the expense of their on autonomy. BARF. So a doula I suppose I will do my best to find, but around here, their scarce, and I worry, expensive.

Continued for another day....

Pastry Assistant!

As most people who know me realize, I've worked at Dakota Harvest Bakers, one out of two bakeries in the Downtown area, for the last year. We specialize in local foods, more specifically this often means our grains, sugar, flour, and other basic cooking components are locally grown. We are in the Red River Valley, a part of the country known for it's fertile soil, so its rather easy to obtain these ingredients.

Anywho, slowly, but surely, I've worked my way into the kitchen. It wasn't easy, since I've had great frustration with one person in particular who's making sure my transition is near impossible, you know the story, there's an opening for a pastry assistant, but they insist on hiring a friend of theirs who has no kitchen experience... and not to mention the shallow, ever up hill battle of popularity contests. I've always gotten the short end of the stick with that one, and have to muck my way a lot of seemingly high school antics, you know, sexual harassment, I'm better than thou shit. It drives me up the wall, all the way up to the glass ceiling...

Well, finally I'm pastry assistant, pay raise and all, working weekends and now Monday and Tuesday. The weekend hours get burdensome, 5:30 am on Saturday and 7:00am on Sundays. I get the pastries out for the morning on weekends, make eggbake, oatmeal, wild rice, cookies, prep work. I'll expand my duties as the weeks go by I'm sure. But I stress how much I'm looking forward to September, hee hee. If only this money would really bring in the dough.

Silly, I just make pastries.

Joy!

Joy to everyone who stands up for women's rights, I must remind myself of that.

I have been saddened lately. When I thought things were getting better for people in the US, idiots come out in droves to spread lies and anger. Townhall meetings are now a shouting fest, Obama is a nazi, the health care reform will kill grandma, abortion will be covered by the health care reform, Obama wasn't born in America, and global warming is a hoax. With so many stupid people in this country, my heart almost breaks because so many are stupid and heartless.

And this is when I must rejoice, when I feel most unheard, that there are people out there that are not idiots who are fighting for what is right and what is just. I will continue to fight for what is right & I will continue to love with compassion and awareness.

Hiatus Break Time

I've been on Hiatus for a while now. It wouldn't quite be proper for to say something like "sorry I was on hiatus for so long...", cause I don't yet wana be off hiatus. I think my life is very much in a continuous state of hiatus and I'm very much comfortable with that. Life has yet to redefine my place, my routine, and my rituals with my new direction in life. No biggie, I'm used to change and finding myself repeatedly.

This past month I finally moved into my partner Dave's apartment. Its been good thus far. Life is definitely easier when we're together under the same roof. Reilly, my younger brother just moved in this week and thats been nice as well. We've always been pretty close and his presence is always enjoyed. Izzy my cat has also moved in and is a loaf as always, but she seems to be enjoying all the one on one time she's receiving. The apartment is still in shambles from moving. Clutter reins supreme and nothing seems to stay clean. My ambition to have a organic, natural, safe household isn't shaping out as quickly and smoothly as I hoped. Dave's on board with the plan but doesn't share my passion quite the same. My fear is that I will be working so hard to make sure Dave is playing an active role in the household that I'll loose directions of my own dreams. I suppose we're learning how to balance life together and all will fit together with time. Already this week, our love together has really flourished, more so than it has in months. I've really been enjoying our journey of intimacy and learning what real love requires.

Work at the bakery's been busy as hell. Everyday is intensive, being on your feet 35 hours a week really takes a toll on one's psyche. I find it difficult to muster nearly any energy to do the simplest of tasks (standing up, now thats a dozy). I have two weeks of vacation coming up in the next week. I initially planned it for the third of August, but I decided to bump it up a week earlier for fear of burning out beyond recovery. This vacation is definitely over due. I look forward to staring at the wall and letting silly thoughts pass in and out of the recesses of my skull.

So, nothing interesting going on. Nothing to muse on at the moment. My brain's in oatmeal mush state.

US Guantanamo Guard Converts To Islam

I saw this today and was touched.

US Guantanamo guard converts to Islam


As the US government moves to shutdown its detention centre at Guantanamo Bay, stories are emerging of the way it affected those inside.

Former inmates have talked about the deprivation and pressures they faced.

But Terry Holdbrooks was on the other side. He was a US soldier and he says he saw something in the behaviour of the inmates that changed him. He tells his story to Al Jazeera in his own words.

I am amazed at the stories like this I hear from soldiers. Though I am not surprised that the heart can love and learn so much. This video give me hope in humanity. I hope every man there receives a just trial.

Protect, Sister, Brother.

Kung-Fu Jesus likes condoms, so should you!
Protect.

A Good Day For Civil Rights!

Hi Ya'll!

I sit at the urban in Grand Forks ecstatic due to some new developments!

Today the HB 1572, the Personhood bill was turned down by the ND Senate. According the the Planned Parenthood Minnesota, North Dakota, South Dakota Action Fund website:

If passed, HB 1572 could have outlawed contraception as well as medical procedures used to treat tubal pregnancies and infertility, impacting thousands of laws in the North Dakota Century Code.

Through much effort and encouragement, many of us urged our leaders to turn down the bill. I was also pleased to learn that Bishop Aquila of Fargo and Bishop Zipfel of Bismark, the two Catholic bishops in North Dakota, opposed the bill. According to a March 30th article on Fitzgerald Griffin Foundation's website (from all appearances a strict Catholic website), Bishop Zipfel:

believes that women should never be held legally liable for procuring abortions and that the repeal of Roe would do just that in North Dakota.

A priest after my own heart! It bring me great joy to read this as I grew up a devout Catholic girl, unaware of issues women must fact everyday, like that of abortion. Today I realize these are personal issues which must be protected, regardless of others opinions.


Another break through today, the Iowa Supreme Court upheld a Polk County 2007's ruling in stating that marriage should not be limited to a man and a women. In more plain terms, if your GLBT, you can marry in Iowa! Joy Joy!

This goes without mentioning the defeat of SB 2278 in the ND in the senate by a margin of 54-34, a bill that would have prohibited the discrimination of GLBT individuals. Apparently opponents have stated that SB 2278 would protect a behaviour, not a characteristic. Sick.

All and today's a good day!

Dave saying: I don't like patriarchy, frown town.

Train Ride Thoughts

Its odd how much I miss having long hair, as if it was the one thing that guaranteed my place in femininity. A few months ago I cut my hair extremely short, donating it to locks of love. I was incredibly annoyed of the work it took to brush out the endless tangles everyday and was itching for a radical change in my appearance. Little did I know the end product would bother me this much leaving me missing my long locks. A friend told me that hair can carry unexpected worth to women who are don't prescribe to the common notion of femininity. (You know what I mean, caked on make-up, blow dried hair, fashionholics wearing the newest and latest trends.) I definitely don't fit into the said category, in fact I work to create my own gratifying definition of femininity. It includes but is not limited to: not shaving anywhere, not wearing make-up, creating my own fashion (which may or may not be flattering), being true to myself, etc... Today, I completely agree with Mollie and her experience in the matter, my experimentation in short hair is over - but I just gotta wait till my hair length catches up with my attitude.

I just finished reading "The Secret Life of Bees" by Sue Monk Kidd today on the train ride from Portland OR to Minot ND. It was amazing, really great. I read Sue Monk Kidd's book a dissonant daughter and was knocked on my feet, Secret Life assuredly did something similar. I know I'm going to be taking insights and rituals from the pages like the "wailing wall". In the book, sister May takes all the pain of the world and embodies them in bouts of depression - this happens daily involuntarily. Sue didn't create this character she personified the feelings of many people, those who feel the pain of the world weighing them down almost constantly. To medicate this aliment, May creates a "wailing wall" of stacked rocks where she writes down what's paining her, meditates on it, and leaves it to the earth to absorb. I'm going to begin my own wailing wall of sorts - create my own shrine to pain, give it a place to fester other than in my scull.

Arriving In Portland/Wrestling With Nightmares

Well, Dave and I arrived in Portland Oregon yesterday morning (3/14/09). It had been a really long train ride (31 hours!) and we were ready to get off. We got our luggage and built our bicycles outside of the depot and made our way to the hostel.


We're staying at the Northwest Portland International Hostel & Guesthouse just outside of downtown Portland (and when I say just outside of I mean two or three blocks away). Two large houses make up the hostel and each hostel has its own kitchen area so you can make food and visit. Dave and I were lucky and got the super secret room - a private room with a double bed and a bathroom suite. Apparently they don't tell people about this room since they can't guarantee it will be available.

Dave was feeling sick after we arrived at the hostel, so we napped for a couple hours. (This morning he's still sick and is slumbering beside me. I hope he doesn't feel this crummy for five days.)

After the nap (and some advil for Dave) we set out for food and ate at Escape From New York Pizza a few blocks away. I was baffled, it was really great pizza! The proportions were just right! Dave - well he thought I was being a little over the top, but really, it was great! The place was dolled-up with pictures, anti-bush art (*swoon*), and the pizza guys were friendly. Slices were cheap too. Afterwards,we made our way to the Saturday market downtown. We couldn't figure out the bus system despite the helpful advice we received at the front desk, so we just walked. It was really rainy and cold out, but we had umbrellas and made the best of it. I bought a couple things at the market and we made our way back to the hostel. It ended up being quite the trek, we stopped briefly at Powell's book store and a record store to warm up, and we bought soup at a grocery, but we finally made it to the hostel around 7. We made soup and took it easy the rest of the night.

Today, I'm not quite sure whats planned. Dave's still sick and as much as I wana wake him, it would probably be best to let him rest. I suppose I'd like to explore the northeast part of the city today. There a shop I must go to as well, but I can't quite tell you what it is.... ha! Oh, I think we're planning on going to Powell's again - it was so busy in there my head was spinning. Hopefully it wouldn't be so busy on a monday, but I'm not crossin' my fingers. Oh, and Dave wanted to go to a museum. Me Too, I can't wait!

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I'm still struggling through a identity/spirituality crisis. The past two nights, I've had three nightmares which rouse me in a fright. In the first nightmare, I was being screamed at by my former roommates and pushed out of the house, I was balling and balling and when I screamed back they were gone. In my second dream, I was being given advice by a hostel staffer about Portland she afterwards she said 'That will be $50's'. I protest but she said it would be added to my tab where I liked it or not. In the third dream last night, I was in a gang being used as a sex slave (which many women are forced into - that is gangs, and sex slavery). The man who had ownership over me shot dead my girlfriend and then came after me. He shot me in the stomach and fell over me since he was so drunk. I tried fighting back, and I was able to get his gun from his inebriated figures, but he had used his last bullet on me,... so I just died, right there, with his drunk self hanging over me.

I used to believed dreams meant something. I had a dream dictionary and a dream journal where I would try to figure out the meanings. When I became engrossed by christianity I stopped listening to the voices within me. Now, I'm trying to backtrack, I'm listening again to myself. In my women and religions class we're learning about indigenous faiths. There are women who have listened quietly and found within themselves and in all things a guiding voice. I cannot deny their words, their experiences - and no longer and I going to deny my experiences - those guiding voices. I prayed to creator yesterday. Today I may pray to Goddess. Tomorrow I may pray to Mother Earth. Our spirituality.

New Steps In Life. Pt. 1

Life has changed fairly quickly this past month. I no longer live in the commune seen above, I moved in with my parents, Dave and I are transitioning to a new (and improved) stage in our relationship, midterms are leaving me busy and stressed, and I'm trying to learn how to make good, loving friends again and Dave and I are planning for a Portland spring break trip.

A month or so ago I talked to a few people in the house and found out there was contention against my relationship with Dave and my decision to dissociate with the modern day christian church (for obvious reasons really, this being one). I was told Dave and I were committing adultery, really - adultery! I was shocked seeing how we were planning to get a bigger place so Dave and my brother Reilly could move in. It really came out of nowhere, I never had any indication from anyone in the commune that they considered Dave and I adulterers. To call the love Dave and I share adultery can be likened to calling a fatherless child a bastard to her/his face. But still if you must condemn us at least get it right and call us fornicators, or more appropriately, lovers.


To top it all off, I was told that the commune was meant to be a christian commune. The assumption being that since I am not christian "enough", I obviously cannot be part of it. I was assured that I was not being targeted, but had I been a "good" christian by their christian ideals this never would have been brought up. Labels as it seems are more important than the people themselves.

Obviously I am still flustered by all this. I am left with a mouth twisted with distaste for anything christian. More and more I view the christian religion as exclusive, one I don't even want to associate with anymore. I am left dispirited, but I know that I must still celebrate my spirituality, no matter who should oppose me.

I'm also left with a feeling of loneliness - despair. I realize that many of my friends of the past were christians first, than friends. Unintentionally I had surrounded myself with friends in Grand Forks who were christians and did little outside such groups. I found myself missing many of my friends in Fargo, who were true friends, friends who shared in my life experiences, leaving judgment out. I'm trying to reconnect with those in Fargo, but its difficult, everyone is so busy. But, I will continue to make more friends here, there are many who would be great friends, if I just had the courage to seek them out.

I will continue later, but I'm hungry and plan to sleep in the next few mins. Good night.

Adventure Day!

I have an adventure to report today!

Okay, its wasn't an adventure by any stretch of the imagination, it was more like a calamity.

So, I ride bike to UND everyday in just about any condition, even when its a horrible -27˚F below zero (see previous post). This morning I did what I do everyday and headed to class on my bicycle via Standford road. It was 10˚F and the roads were a bit icy, but it was a beautiful February morning. When I was nearing the 6th Ave./Standford intersection a car started to pass me. I motioned to the driver not to pass me, but she ignored my warning and passed me anyway. She had to abruptly stopped in front of me, since she passed me only yards before the stop sign, giving me no time to stop safely on the icy road. When I hit the car my back tire came with sending me into a 180 after which I hit the ground. I got up and yelled at the driver, telling her I signaled her to not pass me, that she gave me no time to stop on the ice, and that bikes have the same rights on the road as cars. She said sorry along with I know to each complaint.
When I went to get back on my bike a I driver behind me yelled out "Get Going"! Right after I had gotten in a accident!

I can't stress how frustrated I get at drivers these days! ARG!! I want to ride bike in town and be safe while doing it! I'm going to write an editorial to the Grand Forks Herald about bikes and cars sharing the road, I've had about enough!

A Dreamer Asleep

I am a dreamer, a dreamer asleep.

(from swissmiss, from fubiz)